Grief, Ritual and Love: on including children, instead of excluding them In my personal opinion, children are tuned into the spiritual and emotional world.   In a way, they’ve only just arrived, much like elders who are nearing the end of life.   They tend to feel things deeply and intuitively.   Even when adults try to hide their emotions or avoid the truth, children often sense that something is wrong.   That disconnect can be confusing, and sometimes even more distressing than simply being told the truth.

Boy shares his bagel with dead below tombstone!

In my experience as a family counsellor, many families try to protect children by keeping them away from death, whether that means not allowing them to attend a funeral or not telling them that someone has died.   But this often seems to create more confusion and pain.   A child asking “Where is Nana?” over and over again is usually searching for clarity, not protection.   I believe it’s important to be open, both emotionally and verbally, with children.   It gives them permission to feel, to ask questions, and to begin understanding what’s happening in a way that supports their grieving process.

I’ve also witnessed children grieving very intensely, crying so hard they could barely breathe, especially at moments like the closing of the casket, sometimes needing to be physically supported just to walk.   It can be very difficult to witness, and at times I find myself wondering if it’s too much for them.   At the same time, I try to remain non-judgmental, because this may also be a very natural expression of their love and loss.

I’ll admit that I do notice from time to time a personal bias when it comes to very young children, especially toddlers who are loud and running around.   I’ve seen situations where a lot of attention shifts toward the toodler, their movement and sounds, and it can feel distracting from the intention of the moment, which is to honour the person who has died.   Still, I recognize that this may simply be my own sensitivity, and I try to stay aware of that without imposing judgment.

One story that stayed with me was from a family who shared that, when they were young, their mother chose not to hold a funeral for their father.   They described how that absence made it much harder for them to process and move through their grief, even years later.   It really reinforced for me how important rituals are, and how many of them we’ve lost in our culture.   Not only around death, but around life’s important transitions as well, moments that deserve to be acknowledged and held with meaning.   Times like a girl getting her first period, or a boy reaching an age where he begins to step into adulthood.   These are powerful thresholds, yet they often pass quietly, without recognition or support.   Without initations, ceremonies or rituals that give shape to these experiences, it can make transitions feel confusing, isolating or even invisible.   Instead of acknowledging that something meanignful has occured.

There’s a scene in Captain Fantastic that is beautiful and touching.   A father gathers with his children to cremate their mother outdoors, by the water.   They sing, they dance, they cry and it’s raw, unconventional, and so moving.   It shows how grief, ritual, and love can coexist in a way that includes children rather than excluding them.

March 26 , 2026 ~ Brittany Talarico By My Heart and Hand student, Montreal